The Common Sense Bill of Rights

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We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty, to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to assume that your being offended means a damn thing to anyone, although you do have the freedom to be offended at anything you choose. This country is based on freedom, and that means for everyone -- not just YOU! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc. But just because someone is doing or saying something that you find offensive does not mean you have the right to make them stop.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver into your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are among the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of couch potatoes.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free health care. As nice as that would be, from the looks of public housing we're just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kill, kidnap, rape, or intentionally maim someone, don't be surprised when the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair. Being drunk or drugged up at the time is no excuse, either.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place that's worse than what we demand for zoo animals.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to sooth your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to happiness. As an American, you have the right to pursue happiness. Which pursuit, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.